If you're a parent, chances are you've witnessed it (in fact, most of us remember how it feels ourselves!): your child pours their heart into something—a drawing, a game, a school project—only for it to fall on its face. Maybe it’s a lost sport thing, a failed test, or a party invitation that didn’t come. Watching your child face disappointment can be heart-wrenching. We all want to shield them from pain.. but setbacks are inevitable. The good news? Each disappointment is an opportunity to teach emotional agility—a skill that will help them navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience, grace, and self-awareness.
As a recovering helicopter parent, I’ve had to learn (often the hard way) how to help my kids process their feelings and bounce back from tough moments. Emotional agility doesn’t come naturally—it’s a skill we need to learn and practice, just like riding a bike or tying shoelaces. Here are some tips, tricks, and real-life lessons to help you guide your kids in understanding and managing their emotions when life throws a curveball.
What Is Emotional Agility?
Emotional agility is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage your emotions in a way that aligns with your values and goals. It’s not about suppressing or ignoring feelings but embracing them as valid and temporary. For kids, this might mean learning to name their feelings (“I’m sad because I lost the game”) and choosing a helpful response (“I’ll practice more and try again next week”).
Think of emotional agility as a superpower: it doesn’t stop challenges from coming, but it gives your child the tools to face them head-on, learn from them, and move forward with confidence. After all, you can’t control what life throws at you, you can only control how you respond to it!
- Start with Empathy: Validate Their Feelings
When my daughter came home last year with tears streaming down her face because she didn’t get a (big enough) role in the school production, my first instinct was to cheer her up. “You’re still an amazing singer!” I said brightly. “And there’s always next year!”
Big mistake. She wasn’t ready to be cheered up—she needed me to understand how she felt. Kids need to know their emotions are valid, even when they’re hard or uncomfortable. Start by acknowledging their feelings:
- “You’re feeling disappointed because you worked really hard for that.”
- “It sounds like you’re frustrated because things didn’t go the way you wanted.”
Validating their feelings shows them it’s okay to feel upset and that you’re there to support them. My Disney nerd reference would be like when Bing Bong empathised with Sadness’ feelings in the first Inside Out!
- Name It to Tame It
Kids don’t come pre-loaded with an emotional vocabulary. If you’ve ever seen a toddler have a meltdown in the supermarket, you know what I mean. Helping kids name their feelings gives them a sense of control and makes those big emotions feel less overwhelming.
A simple chart of “emotion faces” can work wonders for younger kids. For older ones, encourage them to use descriptive words like “disappointed,” “nervous,” or “embarrassed” instead of just “mad” or “sad.” Once they’ve named the feeling, they’ll often feel calmer and better equipped to deal with it.
- Share Your Own Stories of Bouncing Back
Children learn so much from our example, and sharing your own experiences can be incredibly powerful. I’ll never forget the time I told my kids about not getting a promotion I’d worked really hard for. I explained how sad and angry I felt at first, and how I eventually channeled those feelings into improving my skills and trying again.
Sharing age-appropriate stories of your own setbacks teaches kids that everyone faces challenges—and that it’s possible to grow and thrive despite them. It also let’s them know that it’s ok for us to talk about that stuff when we’re feeling embarrassed or ashamed. Just make sure to focus on how you managed your emotions and moved forward, rather than dwelling on the disappointment itself.
- Teach the Power of “Yet”
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned as a parent is the magic of the word “yet.” It turns a fixed mindset into a growth mindset. For example:
- “I can’t do this” becomes “I can’t do this yet.”
- “I’ll never be good at maths” becomes “I’m not good at maths yet.”
Teaching your kids to embrace the idea of “yet” helps them see setbacks as part of the learning process, not the end of the road. My kids are so used to hearing me preach this they now say things like “I’m bad at maths yet!” ..humour is a great sign of resilience haha!
- Foster Problem-Solving Skills
Once the immediate emotions have settled, help your child think through what they can do next. Guide them to brainstorm solutions without stepping in to “fix” things for them. For example:
- If they lost a game, ask, “What’s one thing you could practice this week to feel more prepared next time?”
- If they had a fight with a friend, ask, “What could you say to help patch things up?”
Encouraging problem-solving builds confidence and shows your child that they have the power to influence outcomes, even after a setback.
- Model Self-Compassion
Let’s face it: kids can be their own harshest critics. After a tough day, I’ve heard my daughter say things like, “I’m so stupid” or “I’ll never get this right.” It’s heartbreaking, but it’s also an opportunity to teach self-compassion.
Encourage your child to talk to themselves the way they’d talk to a friend. If your child is being hard on themselves, gently ask, “Would you say that to your best friend? What would you say instead?”
Self-compassion doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility—it means treating yourself kindly while learning from mistakes.
- Reframe Failure as a Learning Opportunity
When kids feel like they’ve failed, it’s easy for them to spiral into “I’m no good” territory. Help them reframe failure as feedback—a natural and necessary part of learning. You might say:
- “What’s one thing you learned from this?”
- “What will you do differently next time?”
For younger kids, you can make it fun by celebrating “flop stories” at dinner—everyone shares something that went wrong that day and what they learned from it. It turns failure into something normal (and even a bit funny).
- Build a “Resilience Toolkit”
Just like we pack a first-aid kit for physical scrapes, kids need a resilience toolkit for emotional bumps. Work together to create a list of coping strategies your child can use when they’re upset. This might include:
- Taking deep breaths
- Drawing or journaling
- Listening to music
- Talking to a trusted adult
- Taking a walk or doing some exercise
Having a go-to list empowers kids to take charge of their emotions and find healthy ways to feel better.
- Encourage a Gratitude Practice
When things go wrong, it’s easy for kids (and let’s be honest, adults too) to focus on what’s missing. Teaching your child to practise gratitude can help shift their perspective and build emotional resilience.
At bedtime, we do a simple “three good things” exercise: each family member shares three things they’re grateful for that day. It’s a lovely way to end the day on a positive note, even if it’s been a tough one.
- Be Patient (and Kind to Yourself, Too)
Teaching emotional agility isn’t a one-and-done lesson—it’s an ongoing process. There will be days when your child handles setbacks like a pro and days when they fall apart over the tiniest hiccup. That’s okay. Emotional growth takes time, and every stumble is an opportunity to learn.
And if you’re feeling frustrated or unsure, remember: you’re doing an amazing job simply by showing up, listening, and guiding your child through life’s messy, beautiful challenges.
The Long-Term Payoff
As parents, we won’t always be there to shield our kids from every disappointment or heartbreak. But by teaching them emotional agility, we’re giving them something even better: the confidence to face life’s challenges head-on and the resilience to grow stronger through them.
The next time your child faces a setback, remember: it’s not just a tough moment—it’s a chance to teach them how to thrive. And in the end, isn’t that what parenting is all about?